I'll be home for Christmas

I'm heading home to Indiana for the weekend. Unfortunately, I couldn't take any time off this year, but I'm flying so I'll have a couple of days to see everyone, at least. I've never missed a Christmas with the family, although I almost missed the Christmas dinner one year I had to work the morning of Christmas Day. It's hard to believe that was eight years ago now.

A good friend of the family passed away recently, and I wish I had gotten to see him one more time beforehand, but it was not to be. He was much loved, with a large family of good people. (Okay, one of them kind of dropped me on my head when I was an infant, but no harm done.) I used to go fishing in one of the ponds on their property with my dad, and we've always appreciated their generosity. My thoughts are with them this holiday season.

Blogging for an audience

I’ve been blogging for a little more than two years now, and it still surprises me what prompts a response and what doesn’t. For instance, three people responded to my post on the “nice guy” conversation below, while a post about a hot topic goes by unnoticed, be it an election, the war in Iraq, or what have you. I guess it just depends on who’s listening at the time, but it’s nice to know someone’s getting something out of it.

In case you’re curious, I don’t have a set method for writing posts. Sometimes something grabs my attention and I write it up right away, other times I let an idea gestate or compose some of it in my head before I start to put anything down. Once in a while, I’ll write down a topic I know I’ll want to return to, but don’t have anything articulate to say about yet. If it’s tied to a current event, sometimes these fall by the wayside. Occasionally, I’ll bounce an idea off someone. I did this with the conversation referred to in the “nice guy” post, with my roommate.

My intention wasn’t to criticize anybody in particular, or anyone who’s called me nice in the past, but rather to explore the idea a little bit in different contexts, and how that idea manifests itself in perception or behavior. Given the questioning of my mental health that ensued, this probably wasn’t as clear as it could’ve been. But I would ask anyone reading this blog not to read too much into any one post. Sometimes how a post turns out just depends on the day I’m having. Sometimes I start writing one idea, and halfway through it gets taken over by another.

I’ve occasionally posted previously written material, but I’ve never deleted a post. When I’ve edited, it’s been for grammar or clarity. I realize that with the rise in RSS feeds, any editing done after the fact is lost on some readers anyway. At the risk of sounding uninspired, if anyone would like to suggest a topic they’d like me to post about (that doesn’t involve selling something), email me.

A clarification

In case it wasn't obvious in my last post, I was being sarcastic when I suggested being a jerk would attract women. The internet isn't always good for conveying that kind of humor, especially when you adopt a conversational tone to begin with. Regardless, being myself and trying to be a good person are the only things I know or want to do with my life. After all, you're looking at yourself in the mirror every morning.

Who finishes first?

I’ve been told by many people, under various circumstances, that I’m a “nice guy”, but an incident this week bears repeating. I’ve recently been thinking that when a prospective romantic interest tells you this, he or she (as this undoubtedly happens to women as well as men) is not just seeking to spare your feelings, but also his or her own. Rather than tell someone “I’m just not attracted to you” or “I find you boring,” which may be just as accurate, saying “I think you’re really nice” spares one the discomfort of having caused someone else disappointment.

But it doesn’t really. The other person is still disappointed – it’s just the romantic interest who gets to feel off the hook, at least to some extent. Wanting to spare someone else’s feelings is an admirable goal, provided not giving the real reason doesn’t do the other person a disservice. Wanting to spare your own, while perfectly understandable, is somewhat less than noble if you could provide insight on what the asker could do to improve his or her chances in the future. But who wants to do that, and why should they be expected to? They didn't ask for the question (presumably).

Then there’s the whole “nice guys finish last” maxim. On a Simpsons commentary track for a season 8 episode in which Lisa falls for the bully Nelson, who’s stolen a hood ornament, one of the writers gives his advice on getting the girl. If you have the chance, “steal the hood ornament,” because otherwise “you’ll end up someone’s second husband.” Leaving aside the +50% divorce rate after five years in this country, is being someone’s second spouse such a bad thing? Does it imply, as he indicates, that one has failed to attract a more desirable person? What happened to the idea of falling in love, and that being what matters? My mother is my father’s second wife, and they’ve been married 34 years.

Anyway, ponder if you will: a married, older woman says to me, “You know, you’re a really nice guy. Has anyone ever told you that?” I replied yes, but it doesn’t always seem to be a good thing for some reason. She tells me one of her relatives was a nice guy, and he ended up marrying a very overweight woman her family disapproved of. When asked why he would want to marry her when he could do so much better, he apparently told her “I know she loves me, and I may never find that again. I just don’t want to end up alone.”

I can’t help but wonder what I was meant to take away from this exchange, if anything at all. To be clear, she disapproved of this, but was it because her relative didn’t return that love, or because she thought he should have held out for something better? Or, as I took it, was it because he was too much of a “nice guy”? The criticism seems to be, if you were more of a jerk you could do better with women and get what you want (because everyone knows women love jerks). So my question is, how much of a jerk would she have me be? Is 10% less helpful and kind enough? 20%? Shall I blow off everybody for an hour a day, or just a few people all day long?

All I know to do is be myself, and try to be good person. If anyone has any other advice, I’d love to hear it.