Who finishes first?

I’ve been told by many people, under various circumstances, that I’m a “nice guy”, but an incident this week bears repeating. I’ve recently been thinking that when a prospective romantic interest tells you this, he or she (as this undoubtedly happens to women as well as men) is not just seeking to spare your feelings, but also his or her own. Rather than tell someone “I’m just not attracted to you” or “I find you boring,” which may be just as accurate, saying “I think you’re really nice” spares one the discomfort of having caused someone else disappointment.

But it doesn’t really. The other person is still disappointed – it’s just the romantic interest who gets to feel off the hook, at least to some extent. Wanting to spare someone else’s feelings is an admirable goal, provided not giving the real reason doesn’t do the other person a disservice. Wanting to spare your own, while perfectly understandable, is somewhat less than noble if you could provide insight on what the asker could do to improve his or her chances in the future. But who wants to do that, and why should they be expected to? They didn't ask for the question (presumably).

Then there’s the whole “nice guys finish last” maxim. On a Simpsons commentary track for a season 8 episode in which Lisa falls for the bully Nelson, who’s stolen a hood ornament, one of the writers gives his advice on getting the girl. If you have the chance, “steal the hood ornament,” because otherwise “you’ll end up someone’s second husband.” Leaving aside the +50% divorce rate after five years in this country, is being someone’s second spouse such a bad thing? Does it imply, as he indicates, that one has failed to attract a more desirable person? What happened to the idea of falling in love, and that being what matters? My mother is my father’s second wife, and they’ve been married 34 years.

Anyway, ponder if you will: a married, older woman says to me, “You know, you’re a really nice guy. Has anyone ever told you that?” I replied yes, but it doesn’t always seem to be a good thing for some reason. She tells me one of her relatives was a nice guy, and he ended up marrying a very overweight woman her family disapproved of. When asked why he would want to marry her when he could do so much better, he apparently told her “I know she loves me, and I may never find that again. I just don’t want to end up alone.”

I can’t help but wonder what I was meant to take away from this exchange, if anything at all. To be clear, she disapproved of this, but was it because her relative didn’t return that love, or because she thought he should have held out for something better? Or, as I took it, was it because he was too much of a “nice guy”? The criticism seems to be, if you were more of a jerk you could do better with women and get what you want (because everyone knows women love jerks). So my question is, how much of a jerk would she have me be? Is 10% less helpful and kind enough? 20%? Shall I blow off everybody for an hour a day, or just a few people all day long?

All I know to do is be myself, and try to be good person. If anyone has any other advice, I’d love to hear it.